A Plea from the Brother and Victim of a Predator
excerpts:
Meir Pogrow, the justly-condemned sexual predator, is my older brother. He is roughly nine years my senior. I share my story because I hope to launch a movement that will raise from the ashes of this tragedy a new hope for all victims of child abuse – whether or not the specific abuse is a crime in a given jurisdiction, or whether the victim is a minor or a young adult vulnerable to abuse by a perpetrator who holds a position of authority.
I identify with my brother’s victims, because I was – perhaps – his first. He first abused me approximately 30 years ago, in my boyhood years. My brother did not attack me sexually. Rather, over a period of roughly 10 years, he subjected me to severe physical, verbal and emotional abuse. He is short, but he was strong. He would lift me above his head, my whole body parallel to the floor, just let go, and walk away as I crashed to the floor.
I was 17 the last time my brother physically abused me. I had finally grown strong enough to defend myself. He chased me and tried to hit me, but I deflected him. When I thought he had quit trying to hurt me, I dropped my guard. He then stared me in the eyes with a gruesome expression. My arms were at my sides when he punched me, breaking my nose and giving me a concussion. The next day he told me – gleefully — that he broke my nose intentionally. He also explained that I deserved it, because I did not spend enough time studying Torah during my time off from Yeshiva.
In my journey of recovery from my brother’s abuses, what has been most difficult to overcome is not the impact of the physical pain – what is most enduring is the psychological trauma and manipulation that he used in order to groom me for the physical pain.
It is this psychological torment that he inflicted that makes me identify so strongly with his later victims. Numerous victims of his torment have spoken out on Facebook. I suspect that it was on me that he first exercised those psychological abuses.
[...]
My brother was not the only perpetrator of abuses I experienced as a child. I was a victim of severe physical and emotional abuse in Yeshiva Bais Mikroh in Monsey, at the hands of Rabbi Gavriel Bodenheimer, among others. Bodenheimer and other faculty abused me – and many other children – more than two decades ago, as fellow faculty and my schoolmates looked on. Bodenheimer has since pled guilty to endangering the welfare of a child. He is also subject to the typical restrictions imposed on sex offenders.
How could Bodenheimer have remained principal at Bais Mikroh until 2015?
I believe that on a per-capita basis, the magnitude of the cover-ups of sexual, physical, emotional and verbal abuses in the Yeshiva system is on par with that of the Catholic Church. There are many wonderful Orthodox rabbis and administrators – I have worked alongside some and proudly consider some my friends and mentors – but the Orthodox Jewish clergy as an institution has lost its credibility. Much like the Catholic priesthood, the rabbinate has its work cut out if it wants to earn back its credibility on matters of child safety.
A fundamental and systemic reform of yeshivas is necessary. Unfortunately, the rabbinate has forfeited its right to lead that reform.
Recent pronouncements by Torah Umesorah of new initiatives to expand education surrounding the issue of child abuse for parents, children, camp counselors and teachers are but a miniscule step forward. Does Torah Umesorah genuinely believe that expanded education will touch the root of the problem?
Where is the joint pronouncement from Torah Umesorah and Agudath Yisrael of America (the Agudah) laying out a concrete plan of action to root out the perpetrators and enablers currently in the system?
Where is the declaration that any teacher or administrator who in any way whatsoever prevents a claim of abuse from getting to the police will be immediately fired?
[...]
To my Fellow Survivors:
We need no longer scream in silence.
We are hurting. Our lives have been forever altered by sexual, physical, verbal and emotional abuse at the hands of those we trusted implicitly. We struggle with emotional and physical intimacy because our innocence was stolen and our trust betrayed. Many of us have nightmares; sometimes we wake up screaming.
We felt so alone in our pain; no one would listen. We were told we deserved it – some of us told we were bad, some of us told we were oh-so-special. Many of us are well into our adulthood, still only beginning to understand the full scope of the damage our tormentors inflicted upon us. We live with the scars and we try to move forward, but we can no longer stand by and watch as crimes continue in a corrupt system that harbors perpetrators.
Over time we discovered that our friends who were not direct victims became victims indirectly. They tell us that when they learn that clergy they had revered committed heinous crimes against their classmates, it shakes their faith. They are so tired of having to study techniques to train their children to defend their bodies and souls against predators. Is it too much to ask, they wonder, to trust that their children will be kept safe from the time they leave for Yeshiva in the morning until the school bus returns them home?
No one understands us better than we understand one another. Let’s meet each other. Let’s unburden ourselves of our pain by sharing it with one another. Let’s harness our awesome collective strength. Let’s be angry, but let’s direct our anger constructively, and as One.
Speaking out is terrifying. It has taken me 30 years to come forward.
Tragically, I believe there are thousands of us. I know – I just know it in my gut – that with the Strength of Numbers we can march together right on through the shaming collaborators may attempt, stronger – and more determined – than ever.
We have so very many good guys on our side jumping up and down for us, laying their necks on the line for us, yelling at anyone who will listen for us. They need our help. Some of them tell me the full scope of necessary reforms will not be implemented for many years, if ever. But an army of survivors speaking out publicly can bring about a sea change. And that’s where we come in.
This is a moment we must seize. The tides are turning our way. A Beit Din (religious court) just formally condemned a rabbi via media outlets worldwide as a rasha (evil man) because of his sexual abuses. I believe from a place in my heart that two weeks ago I did not know existed that we can achieve massive structural reform. I beg you. Please dig deep.
Let’s grab back from our tormentors our overwhelming collective power. We can achieve this. Let’s not stay on the sidelines another day. Let’s get this done.
Our fellow survivors who have already publicly blazed this path before us stand ready at our side.
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