Funny joke going around...

This oldie but goodie Yom Kippur joke is making the rounds....

A man asks his Rabbi before Yom Kippur if it’s okay to use a caffeine suppository on Yom Kippur because he is addicted to coffee.


The Rabbi looks into it and rules that its permitted.


The next day the man goes to the drugstore and orders 150 caffeine suppositories.


The pharmacist asks him why so many?


He responds, "I am sponsoring Kiddush!"

A Jew lived next door to John , a Christian, whose house was broken into at least once a week. One day John asks his neighbor: Tell me Moshe : what is this thing you have on your door frame, is this an
alarm system?

No my friend, this is called a MEZUZA, It is part of Jewish law and it is actually a prayer for the well being of the occupants of the house, Inside this little box there is a little paper with some prayers for the
safety of the house.

And tell me Moshe, do you think you could put one of these, MEZUZA on the entrance to my house. It seems to work for you as the thieves do not go into your house.

Listen John : the Mezuzah is for Jewish homes.

John says : Are we not all children of the God, We also have been friends for a long time...

OK say Moshe, because of our old friendship I will put up the Mezuzah in your house.

A couple of months later, John knocks on Moshe's door and says: Please forgive me but I am returning the Mezuzah to you.

What happened ask Moshe, your house is still being broken into.?

No, says John, the thieves stopped coming , but since you put up the Mezuzah, every 15 minutes the doorbell rings and people ask for donations: KEREN KAYEMET, SYNAGOGUE , MAKBIT, JEWISH SCHOOL, POOR PEOPLE, etc etc

I made a calculation that the donations cost me much more than what the thieves took.

an oldie, but a goodie...
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Mohammad, an Arab child, entered his classroom on the first day of school in Ohio .
"What is your name?" asked the teacher.
"Mohammad" answered the boy.
"You are in America now. >From now on your name will be Johnny," replied the teacher.
In the evening, Mohammad returned home. "How was your day, Mohammad?" asked his mother.

"My name is not Mohammad. I’m in America and now my name is Johnny."

"Ah, are you ashamed of your name, are you trying to dishonor your parents, your heritage, your religion Shame on you!" and she beat him. Then she called his father and he too, beat him.

The next day Mohammad returned to school. When the teacher saw him with all the bruises she asked, "What happened to you little Johnny"?

"Well ma'am, 4 hours after becoming an American, I was attacked by Muslims."

A disappointed salesman of Coca Cola returned from his assignment in Israel.

A friend asked, "Why weren't you successful with the Israelis?" And the salesman explained, "When I arrived, I was very confident that I would make a good sales pitch, but I had a problem; I didn't know how to speak Hebrew, so I planned to convey the message through these three posters:


First poster: A man lying in the hot desert sand, totally exhausted and fainting.
Second poster: The man is drinking our Cola.
Third poster: Our man is now totally refreshed.

"And then I pasted these posters all over the place."
"Well, then that should have worked." said the friend.

"The hell it should have!" said the salesman, "I didn't realize that they read from right to left in Israel!"

Oldie, but goody....

The Chief Rabbi of Israel and the Pope are in a meeting in Rome . The Rabbi notices an unusally fancy phone on a side table in the Pope's private chambers. "What is that phone for?" he asks the pontiff.

"It's my direct line to the Lord." The Rabbi is skeptical, and the Pope notices. The Holy Father insists the Rabbi try it out, and, indeed, he is connected to the Lord. The Rabbi holds a lengthy discussion with Him.

After hanging up the Rabbi says, "Thank you very much. This is great! But listen, I want to pay for my phone charges." The Pope, of course, refuses, but the Rabbi is steadfast and finally, the pontiff gives in.

He checks the counter on the phone and says, "All right! The charges were 1 00 , 00 0 Lira" ($56). The Chief Rabbi gladly hands over the payment.

A few months later, the Pope is in Jerusalem on an official visit. I The the Chief Rabbi's chambers, he sees a phone identical to his and learns it is also is a direct line to the Lord. The Pope remembers he has an urgent matter that requires divine consultation and asks if he can use the Rabbi's phone. The Rabbi gladly agrees, hands him the phone, and the Pope chats away.

After hanging up, the Pope offers to pay for the phone charges. Of course, the Chief Rabbi refuses to accept payment. After the Pope insists, the Rabbi relents and looks on the phone counter.Shekel 50" ($0.42).

The Pope looks surprised, "Why so cheap?"
The Rabbi smiles, "Local call."

Rav Ovadiah Yosef has had a conundrum to deal with.

Ever since Aryeh Deri announced that as soon as his period of "moral turpitude" is completed he will return to politics, Shas has felt threatened. Deri is the former charismatic chairman of Shas that brought it to heights never again achieved since his departure.

On the one hand, it will not be simple to put Deri back in his former position, as others have moved up the ranks, and the position is not available. On the other hand, Deri could potentially harm Shas if he starts or joins a competing party.

Rav Ovadiah Yosef said to Deri in a recent conversation, "You need to be the Chief Rabbi of Israel". (source: NRG)

This is the Joke of the Day because even though Deri has rabbinical ordination (from Rav Yosef), he has never served in a rabbinical position. Just the fact that he learned in kollel until he joined politics, and then learned in kollel again while sitting in jail for a couple of years, does not make him worthy of the job of Chief Rabbi of Israel, nor that of Chief Rabbi of any city leading up to the higher position. To send Deri to the Chief Rabbinate simply to avoid a conflict in Shas seems to me to be the ultimate joke.

A Jewish blond goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Chanukah cards. She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Hanukkah stamps?"

The clerk says, "What denomination?"

The blonde says, "God help us. Has it come to this? Give me 15 Orthodox, 15 Conservative and 20 Reform".

Aryeh and Devora, a young religious couple, were expecting their first baby.

Devora went into labor on shabbos so they had no choice but to call for a taxi to take them to the hospital. Because Aryeh wanted to minimize the shabbos violation, he told the controller that he cannot have a Jewish driver.



The taxi quickly arrived, but when Aryeh and Devora were getting in, they overheard the controller on the two way radio ask the driver, "Have you picked up the anti-Semites yet?"

On the morning of Rosh Hashana as the congregation was filing into the sanctuary, Rabbi Feldman noticed little Max standing in the foyer of the synagogue staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names with small American flags mounted on either side of it. The six-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the rabbi walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, 'Boker tov, Max. '

'Boker tov, Rabbi Feldman,' he replied, still focused on the plaque.
'Rabbi Feldman, what is this?'
he said, pointing to the plaque.

The good Rabbi tenderly put his arm around Max's shoulder and said, 'Well son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service.'

Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque.

Finally, little Max, in a voice barely audible and trembling with fear asked, 'Which service, Rosh Hashana or Yom Kippur?'

President [Moshe] Katzav, guilty of serial sexual harassment, goes in until the Mediterranean laps his chin.
Someone walking by on shore calls, "Katzav, why are you only out to where the water is up to your chin?" The disgraced president replies, "I'm standing on Olmert's shoulders.

(HatTip: RW)