Aug 5, 2008

Shidduch resume

I received this by email this morning. I thought it was pretty funny....



Would you be interested in going out with this girl?

*Bracha Leah Stern

11 Kew Gardens

Lakewood, New Jersey

732-363-6214*

*Summary and Personal*

*Date of Birth:* 3-4-1989

*

Yichus:* Father is a yeshiva educated day trader who learns two daily sedarim in BMG; has been previously investigated by FBI for fraud but never did any jail time; big baal tzedaka who has been honored by BMG twice; mother is a retired BY teacher; youngest child with four brothers and 11 sisters all living off of the Lakewood General Fund and mechutanim from Brooklyn; other pedigree relatively clean, except for a 4th cousin, once removed who attended YU and is now a successful Ophthalmologist in Teaneck

*Parents looking for:* solid learner from Brisk or Lakewood with neither a history of college nor foreseeable parnassa plans who will sit in Kollel indefinitely; she is looking for the same; father willing to support 10 years @$75k per year, pending no stays in Otisville

*Appearance:* dark hair with standard BY hairstyle; 5'4" with dress Size

2 (Mother's size after her seventh child: Size 8

*Shadchan:* Mrs. Goldberg of Lakewood (25% commission)

*

Dating History:* has gone out a few times with no measurable success; feedback from Mrs. Goldberg points to her having the charisma of a carrot

*

Photo:* yearbook picture available if requested through Torah channels

*Education*

*

K-12:* Bais Yaakov of Lakewood

*Seminary:* BJJ

*Post-Seminary:* Online program to obtain teaching certificate from Torah Umesorah

*

Work Experience*

*1996-1998:* Counselor in several backyard camps in Brooklyn and Lakewood

*2006-2008:* Teacher's aide in BY of Lakewood *Hanhagos and Opinions Checklist* (Based on Interview with Shadchan)

*Tehillim:* completes Sefer once a week while standing in line at Jewish stores


*Mother's use of Sabbath Mode oven:* not any more

*Posek:* Rav C. Kanievsky or Rav Elyashiv if his line is busy

*Internet:* only with Torahnet filter on Tati's business computer

*Use of a community Eruv:* never (she's looking for a Brisker, remember?!)

*Indian Hair Sheitels:* only if on sale

*Seat Belt Use:* No, unless pulled over by a female Police Officer

*Hobbies:* reading Artscroll biographies, Yated, Hamodia, and Mishpacha; challah baking; asking shailos to Gedolim about her shidduch difficulties *Her Preferred Dating Venue:* Airport lounges without visible TV monitors *Boys She Would Not Date:* guys without BTEP (behind-the-ear-peyos), BT's, OTD's who have straightened out; guys whose Rabbeim believe that the Universe may be older than 5768 years old; guys who read Making of a Gadol or any of Slifkin's books

*Ideal Wedding:* Chossen and Kallah adopt demeanor combining themes of Tisha B'Av and Yom Kippur; eyes-closed Tehillim throughout ceremony; kibbudim called up in Yiddish; separate everything including parking areas; Simchas Chossen V'Kallah at 10:30 PM; no Onlysimchas posting

*Shabbos Table:* White table cloth, no plastic covers, no ground beef or plate scraping at the table

*Would be willing to live in:* Lakewood, Brooklyn, Monsey, Passaic (or Baltimore for a few years)

*Music Preferences:* Yeshiva Boys Choir; no more Lipa, Schwecky, or Carlebach

*Ideal Chesed Opportunities:* helping put out cold beer and cholent at neighborhood Shalom Zachars; assisting with mass mailings from Oorah and Kupat Hair

6 comments:

  1. *takes loaded gun on table*

    I'd blow my brains out with my beloved 1911 before even dating this chick!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Yishkon L'vetachAugust 05, 2008 4:41 PM

    What type of ring does she want? I'll get my cheque book ready...

    ReplyDelete
  3. charisma of a carrot
    Would that be a supermarket carrot or a homegrown carrot?

    ReplyDelete
  4. does one have more charisma than the other???

    ReplyDelete
  5. ONLY FAIR



    Maybe you have someone in mind for this girl ?



    Laurie Karen Stern
    11 Church Ave
    5 Towns, New Yawwwk
    516-363-6214

    cell 91755533322
    car 516222335
    israel0205972563999
    in college 2125551818
    current boyfriends 9175558888
    dad's 9175558686
    moms 917565233
    step dads 91755263
    step moms 9174556223
    step brothers 2125558888
    Therapists 55562222



    Summary and Personal

    Date of Birth: 3-4-1989

    Yichus: Father is a college educated heart doctor who learns
    two minutes of artscroll in rabbi billets shul while having a coffee and checking his emails;
    and has previously investigated everyone else’s wife
    for fun but never
    did any time; big baal tzedaka who has been honored
    by UJA twice;
    mother 1 is a stay at home mom; only child with four
    step parents and 11
    step siblings all living off of the grandfathers one time get lucky land purchase in 1956; other pedigree relatively clean, except for a
    4th cousin, once
    removed who attended a halacha shuir in kashrus and is now a successful
    Ophthalmologist in Teaneck who eats kosher

    Parents looking for: solid workaholic from back Lawrence or the upper Westside
    with neither a
    stint in Israel or a drop of yiras shimiam nor foreseeable minyan attendance
    the girl is looking for the same and to overlook the west single girls mikva incident; her fathers are willing to forgive the boys drug abuse

    Appearance: dyed blond hair with standard Stern Girl hairstyle;
    5'4" with dress Size 2
    (Mother's size after her seventh marriage: Size 1 bulimia is where its at

    Shadchan: pizza store at 3 am Saturday night
    Dating History: has gone out a few times with no
    measurable success; except for 2 teflin dates and the Gardner
    some feedback from Craig’s list points to her having a Long Island accent
    Photo: picture available if through facebook
    Education
    K-12 HAFTER (Hebrew Academy For The Rich)
    Seminary: King George and Jaffa
    Post-Seminary: 4 pointless years (aside for the YU seforim sale) at Stern
    Work Experience
    1996-2008: HASC (Halachicly Acceptable Shiduch Camp)>
    2008-present: SHOPPING SPREE
    Hanhagos and Opinions Checklist (Based on Interview with
    Shadchan)
    BOYS
    Mother's use of Sabbath Mode oven: of course heck she wears makeup on shabus and a has no friends who own a shatel
    Posek: "what for?"
    Internet: Facebook,
    Use of a community Eruv: Eruv?
    Indian Hair Sheitels: we dont associate with people who want to keep the womenfolk trapped in the 18th century
    Seat Belt Use: my Hummer has an automatic system
    Hobbies: reading Cosmo, emails, text messages,
    and pregnancy tests;
    HELLO SHOPPING; asking therapist about her
    step family difficulties

    Her Preferred Dating Venue: Airport hotels
    Boys She Would Not Date: guys with BTEP
    (behind-the-ear-peyos), BT's,
    OTD's who have not straightened out; guys who have Rabbeim; guys who read Hebrew or with HEBREW NAMES


    Ideal Wedding: Bride and Groom adopt demeanor combining
    themes of 'love sweet love' and the hindi dance of ohm; eyes-closed meditate throughout
    ceremony; maternity bridal gown; mixed everything including
    restroom areas; kosher food until 10:30 PM when rabbi leaves ; Onlysimchas posting with half naked , kissing photos of bride and everyone with pants on
    Shabbos Table: meal not to take more than 11 minutes
    every word of kiddush including Gds name to be Americanized (ahdonoyy)

    Would be willing to live near Daddy
    Music Preferences: ONLY Fergie
    Ideal Chesed Opportunities: 5$ check to Unicef

    Pretty quick huh?

    ReplyDelete

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