Oct 12, 2010

Why Is That Man Taking Such An Interest In My Child?

A Guest Post by Magen

Why Is That Man Taking Such An Interest In My Child?

[Introductory Note: There have been several cases in Bet Shemesh/RBS in recent weeks of charismatic men who have a Pied Piper influence over kids, some of whom they allegedly have molested. The kids' parents were aware of the 'specialness' of the relationship, even the peculiarity, but were not aware of the risks. I offer this article as guidance to help parents become more aware of the potential downside of these relationships. I have used males, but whereas most pedophiles are male, their child victims can be equally likely girls or boys.]

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If you reminisce back to your school days, you can probably think of a specific adult who had a profound influence on you and helped you overcome your growing-up challenges.

There are some particularly gifted and wonderful people who are able to bridge an age gap, and thereby positively engage with someone who is even many years their junior.

Such people can apply this talent to working with kids and youth in a professional context, and can become the most positively influential forces upon the minds and souls of their young charges.

The world is undoubtedly a more amazing and caring place, for these special people who can bring the wisdom of age, to those youngsters who can most benefit by this.

HOWEVER...

There are also other individuals, who target children for the ultimate purpose of satisfying themselves.

Some pedophiles will devote enormous efforts to preparing a child for abuse, in such a way that the child will least resist, and the perpetrator will be most protected.

The process is called “grooming”; the grooming process can be incredibly complex, involving selection of the victim, establishment of decoys, and neutralizing the possibility that the child will incriminate the perpetrator – or if he/she does, then making sure that they will not be believed by the child’s adult guardians.

Some pedophiles will target certain positions and professions in society which can give them privileged access to children.
Teachers, tutors, youth club leaders, babysitters, youth-workers, the shul candy man, even rabbonim/clergy…

Because the holders of many of these positions are seen as above reproach, so very few victims are willing to face the shame and scorn of openly accusing the perpetrator.

In many cases, literally dozens of kids can be abused, until the first one is willing to speak out, and begin the process of exposing the pedophile.

SO....

If your kid is getting more-than-average attention from an older person, it is appropriate to ask “Why IS Ploni* Taking Such An Interest In My Child??

Some tell-tale signs of grooming are that one child, or a small group, are selected by Ploni for special attentions; these special attentions go beyond the normal boundaries of Ploni’s job description.

Ploni gives the child presents; private visits to Ploni’s home; outings; building up a special relationship with the child’s parents; physical games, such as tickling, or physical affection such as hugging; building trust by sharing ‘secrets’; groomers can also be extremely manipulative, sowing doubts in the child's mind against the integrity of other adults in the child's life.

Adults who see this behaviour pattern often come to terms with it, by taking the position that Ploni is “wonderful with kids – and my kid in particular, B’H”; Ploni is so charismatic to the kids, that his behavior can be excused as perhaps eccentric, odd, even off-the-wall, but not dangerous.

Your child, on the other hand, may be giving you signals that something is very wrong about the relationship – but a child will very rarely say outright “Ploni is abusing me”. They simply know something’s very wrong and cannot put that in the words that an adult will grasp.

So, perhaps your child’s grades have suddenly dropped; his self-confidence has gone; regressive behaviour, such as bedwetting; references to sexuality or genitals which are not in character or age appropriate. Maybe he says he doesn’t like going places with Ploni, but won’t explain why. Or is often “ill”, and so cannot be around Ploni - but with no measurable symptoms of illness.

If you read this, and think “Heh! You’ve got me worried…what does Ploni want from my child?!”, then you might want to speak with an expert. Very few people have received training about how to handle such concerns, and what to say or not to say to your child, or to Ploni. It’s not something you can just wing-it – or, worse, ignore it.

Pedophilia thrives on silence, and on the natural inclination we all have of avoiding turning over a stone, lest we find what lies beneath it.

Most kids who are being abused say nothing, and most adults who suspect abuse, do nothing.

And that’s why, particularly in close and trusting communities, so many of our kids are at risk.

If you would like to consult, even anonymously, then please call 02-9997026 or email: magenprotects@gmail.com

* Ploni is Hebrew for A.N.Other

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“Magen” is a new Child Protection organization in Bet Shemesh, Israel.
You can learn more about Magen in a recently published Connections Magazine article:
http://tzedek-tzedek.blogspot.com/2010/08/magen-community-response-to-child-abuse.html

8 comments:

  1. physical affection such as hugging

    Isn't a rebbi/tutor etc. supposed to actually *love* the children he educates? Is showing a reasonable amount of affection "going beyond the normal boundaries of a mentor's job description"?

    ReplyDelete
  2. I am no authority or expert, but in todays day and age I think teachers are generally discouraged from physical contact. It is a big loss, but the risk is too great.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Yeedle - yes, love between a rebbe and his talmid is a wonderful thing.

    Magen's article describes a behavior pattern, grooming, where none of the activities are criminal or indeed necessarily suspicious in themselves.

    However, such a pattern should start ringing alarm bells, because it can provide a lead-in and cover to sex abuse.

    This is a common and well documented tactic by some pedophiles.

    Better for kids and adults to be on ones guard, than be duped by a sophisticated child abuser.

    ReplyDelete
  4. There have been several cases in Bet Shemesh/RBS in recent weeks of charismatic men who have a Pied Piper influence over kids, some of whom they allegedly have molested.

    Huh? Am I completely out of the loop, or is this opening sentence a bit misleading and sensationalistic?

    I fear that this type of exaggeration and fear mongering can distract from and otherwise excellent and important article.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Why do we need Magen..shouldn't the rabbonim deal with issue?

    ReplyDelete
  6. Concerned RBS: "this type of exaggeration and fear mongering.."

    Unfortunately, I can assure you that the introduction to the article, as well as the article itself, is objective and factual.

    No exageration; no fear mongering; just the truth.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Magen-
    Are you telling me that in the past "recent weeks", there have been "several" new allegations of molestation in RBS?

    ReplyDelete
  8. Rafi, you are brave and doing a tremendous service to parents. It cannot be that this is a 'new' thing going on within the religious community, it must be as old as religion itself, but now it is being brought into the light of (our) day in this time in history to be dealt with, to protect the children and to stop the perpetuation of a debilitating scourge.

    For all the people who don't understand, and raise questions covered previously, maybe provide links to other discussions that elucidate the situation.

    ReplyDelete

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