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Sep 15, 2010

Virgins adjusted for inflation

The math for calculating how many virgins a Muslim martyr will be granted upon entering heaven is being updated. I assume to take inflation into account.

No longer will a martyr receive a paltry 72 virgins. From now on, 2.5 million virgins is the number of virgins at the martyr's disposal. It is a good thing he will have eternity with which to avail himself of their services, as 2.5 million virgins sounds like it might take more than a few days..
Most Muslim preachers and politicians have used the expression "72 virgins” to encourage Arab youth to be ready to die in anti-Israeli terrorist attacks and suicide bombings. Bahr’s new arithmetic reasons, "In the Garden of Eden, there is a palace... with 500 gates. At every gate, there are 5,000 black-eyed virgins. Brothers, 500 multiplied by 5,000 is 2.5 million."

He said in his speech, aired on Hamas television, that men “should be praying for a son who would wage Jihad for the sake of Allah... As long as we continue on this path, nobody on Earth will be able to confront the resistance, or to confront the mujahedeen, those who worship Allah and seek martyrdom."

11 comments:

  1. are there 2.5 million virgins anywhere? maybe the word is wrong and it should translate into vaginas, not virgins......

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  2. Actually, they're having trouble filling the demand. See the following news story:

    Suicide bombers to go on strike


    Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement. The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death will be cut by 25% this February, from 72 to only 60. The rationale for the cut was the increase in recent years in the number of suicide bombings and a subsequent shortage of virgins in the afterlife.

    The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs (BOOM) responded with a statement that this was unacceptable to its members and immediately voted for strike action. General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press: "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the causeof Jihad. We don't ask for much in return, and to be treated like this is like a kick in the teeth"

    Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands, where he currently resides, Al Qaeda chief executive Osama bin Laden explained: "We sympathise with our workers' concerns, but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace.

    "Thanks to Western depravity there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditure and laying people off. I don't like cutting wages but I'd hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up."

    Spokespersons for the Union in the north-east of England, Ireland, Wales, and the entire Australian continent, stated that the strike would not affect their operations, as "there are no virgins in our areas anyway".

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  3. shaya get some class. and if you knew anything about translations of ancient religious concepts, the suspected word would be "maidens"

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  4. I know I am about to set off a firestorm of criticism, but who cares. My first reaction was that this reminds me of the section of the haggadah where arguments are put forth trying to increase the number of plagues inflicted on the Egyptians, using an array of verbal gymnastics and textual analyses. Yes, yes, le'havdil elef havdalot. But you gotta admit the similarity!

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  5. this only works if each muslim gets his own palace.

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  6. SHIRA, chill out. It was a play on the word "virgins", and a joke. I know the word besulah means maiden. It's just a word, so relax. If it really bothers you, ignore it.

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  7. But what do the female suicide bombers get? Somehow I don't think 2.5million(or even 72) virgins of either gender would seem to be much of a reward(perhaps a punishment) to the average woman.

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  8. I want to know who gave all those virgins black eyes! I mean, I know wife beating is rife, but seriously, in Paradise?

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  9. shaya some people get fired for those kinds of jokes

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  10. shira:

    1. this isn't a job - no one's getting fired. People get fired for all sorts of stupid reasons, that's an illogical argument. again, go take a valium.

    2. actually I did some digging, the "ancient" word besulah actually does NOT mean maiden. It does mean virgin. We use the word maiden because we are prudes. throughout the gemara, besulim, means virginity. besulah means a woman who has her besulim. a 50 year old virgin in her kesubah is called a besulah, even tho she ain't no maiden anymore.

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  11. You know Shaya & Shira, the etymological problem of "besulah" is fascinating, but unless the Koran was written in Hebrew originally, it's kind of a moot point.

    IIRC, the word in Arabic that IS used could denote either young unmarried women or dates. Now I personally think "72 dates" makes a lot more sense, but I'm a laid-back guy, not a firebrand, so who's gonna listen to me?

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