I would disagree a little with your premise. Generally speaking, you don't know the individual situations that people are in, and the fact that they are able to tap into this is a great help to them.

Think about when some neighbors get together to make meals for a woman who just gave birth. Why can't they order out? Or have the husband cook a little. They need to take advantage of this chesed, they can probably get by.

1. One could argue that you are depriving legitimate causes when you "open your heart" to fraudulent ones.

2. If it is customary in a community for neighbors to cook meals for a couple of weeks after having a baby, in cases of illness (L"A), and in cases of avelus (L"A) even beyond the first meal, then there is nothing wrong with that even though the people can afford it. Every other person in the community will give and receive according to ability and need.
Otherwise, people sometimes stretch themselves too thin trying to do it themselves, because their budget is too tight to order out for 2 weeks.

3. I am always more inclined to help people who are making an effort to help themselves. We only have the mitzva of azov taazov when it is eemo.

I am not talking about a temporary situation. a woman gives birth, sometimes she is weak and cant cook for a bit, sometimes she goes away to a beit hachlama for a bit, the husband is taking care of kids and cant cook always or doesnt know how.. restaurants is not always an option, and not a good one for more than a day or two.. so I understand, even if technically they can buy food,.

I am talking about people who get girls on a kavua basis to help around the house. you are right, i dont know their personal situation, which is why I dont comment, but I sometimes cant help but feel like a freier, when my daughter is going out to do chessed by someone with far less kids than us. she goes to help around the house, tutor kids, whatever. I say to my wife, why dont we get a girl from the school to do chessed here. Then we dont apply for it because we dont need the chessed, but I continue to wonder if others are so hard up or if they are just taking advantage of free help.

Rafi, I think your question about chessed girls is more a question on schools' chessed requirements in general. Where I live in the US, the schools have requirements for the girls to do chessed outside the home. Chessed inside the home either doesn't count, or is only part of the requirement. I have a special needs child and I have often asked administrators why it's necessary for my daughter to find another family with a special needs child to help with, and why I have to find a different girl. Sure I can understand the benefit to a girl of helping other families, and the benefit to my child of having a different girl play with him. But it doesn't make sense to require a girl to go to another house (often requiring transportation from a parent) to do a very similar job to one she could be helping with in the home.

Fewer kids than you probably means they don't have a teenager who sometimes helps around the house. For the first time ever suddenly our b'chorah (11) cleared the table.

But even if two families are identical in income, health, family size and ages, parents' schedules - there are still many more factors.

I would imagine that those extra pair of hands can alleviate plenty of stress. Some of it is even just created by the homemaker who frets when things aren't up to a too-high standard. But she can't re-engineer her expectations overnight, so in the meantime someone comes to do chessed and thereby helps the mother be a better mother.

my question is, when is it ok to ask for chessed, free help, and when should a person be paying for a babysitter/nanny/tutor/cleaner?

If I ask the school for a girl for chessed, and I qualify because I have x number of kids or whatever other requirement, but I can also stretch myself and afford to pay for the help I require just like I pay for the gas and insurance on my car, just like I pay for the trip to America once or twice a year, just like I pay for summer camp for my kids, just like I pay for going out to eat once or twice a month, just like I pay for anything else, is it ok to ask for that free help, or am I taking away a girl from doing chessed from someone who might need it more?

is she really doing chessed by helping me - sure I want to save the money, but does hat make it chessed?

Just asking

i teach in a sem in y-m. the chesed coordinator will set up girls who want to do "real" chesed - yad eliezer, helping in special needs ganim, etc. But many many of the girls are not interested in that and want "easy" chesed - like taking kids to the park. the chesed coordinator prefers to set them up with families in the neighborhood that she knows, or even better, with teachers. so i take chesed girls twice a week. i do not consider myself someone who needs chesed. if i need a babysitter i can pay for one. but it works out for the school who needs to send the girls out, for the girls who want something easy and local, and yes i definitely LOVE having an afternoon nap which i never can get with my 4 little kids. does helping out a mother not count as chesed even if she could pay for a babysitter? am i taking away from someone who could use "real" chesed. maybe, but this is how the school prefers to run their chesed program.

btw i would NEVER have my chesed girls do housework for me. they play with my kids and thats it. i think its inappropriate to ask them to fold my laundry and clean my chulent pot. if i wanted a cleaning lady i would pay for one. since i can't afford one i do it myself. these girls are not my slaves.

Rafi said:
"my question is, when is it ok to ask for chessed, free help, and when should a person be paying for a babysitter/nanny/tutor/cleaner?"

This question applies to other forms of chesed and tzedaka as well.

Halacha dictates that we have to be cautious with kaspei tzibbur (public money). This is the reason that certain tzedaka organizations look into a family's situation before doling out the community's tzedaka.

It isn't bureaucracy on the part of the organization...it's responsibility to the tzibbur.

I want to know that the tzedaka I'm giving is going to people who are really needy. I value the diligence.

Do you want to talk about Chesed "freierim"?

Lema'an Achai!

They get bashed by certain rabbis, their posters are either ripped down or not allowed to begin with,they are banned from certain shuls their own rabbonim get slighted and yet..

They continue to help everyone no matter what.

That is real advantage taking from the community.

Rafi it sounds like the main answer is it's up to the one giving out the chessed. The school sets up whatever criteria. The organization performs whatever checks it deems appropriate.

And individuals - as nice and well-meaning as they want to be - have to acknowledge the reality today that some asking for charity don't need it, and even some organizations don't handle money properly. Those individuals need to set their own standards.

If you meet the criteria and would like the help I'm not sure why you need to feel guilty.

Remember when Birkat Rachel (later Zol Mehadrin) used to have a minimum family size requirement to be allowed to shop in the store?