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Dec 13, 2007

religious and secular fathers explain Hanukkah to their sons

Ynet (in Hebrew) has an enjoyable article describing 2 parents explaining Hanukkah to their children. One is a secular Jew and the second is a Litvishe Jew (haredi I guess).

I will translate it here for those of you who might have a hard time with the Hebrew.....

Secular Jew:

Dad, why did the Maccabees fight with the Greeks?
Not now, son.

Why not now?
Because I am watching basketball.

Nu, Dad!
What's the difference? The main thing is that they won.

Dad, in the encyclopedia it says it was because the Maccabees did not want to eat pork.
Could be.

And for that there was such a war?
See, pork has a ton of cholesterol. Maybe the Maccabees were into a health thing.

and for that there was a war?
These Maccabees could be very extremist.

Why did the Greeks make them eat pork?
Because the religious make a big deal out of everything.

The Maccabees were religious?
No way. The religious people do not go to the army.

So how did they defeat the Greeks?
God helped them

But you told me there is no God?
There isn't?

I do not understand - there is or is not?
There is not but they thought there is.

I do not understand.
What?

Is there a God?
Ask your mother.

Every time you do not know something you send me to mother!
I know important things. If there is a God is not important.

It says Judah Maccabee defeated the Greeks at Bet Horon.
If that is what it says, that is what it says.

Where is Bet Choron?
Far away. Not in Israel. In America.

Dad, Columbus discovered America only in 1492!
You are a nudnik. It is in the Occupied Territories.

The Maccabees were Settlers?
I know that. Maybe go play with Sean?

Dad, when we will go to Tiv Taam [a non-kosher food store], will they make me eat pork?
If you keep asking these questions there will be no Festigal this year!

But Dad, I am scared. I only have one sister.
So what?

The Maccabees were five brothers who fought together!
Maybe go watch Dora the Explorer.

I want to see Maccabees.
Good, so watch Maccabees.

Where are the Maccabees?
Right there in yellow (the basketball team Maccabee Tel Aviv)

These are Maccabees?
Yes.

What are their names?
Fizer, Beinum, Batista, Blutental, and Cummings.

You are making me crazy. Those are not Maccabee names.
Where are you going?

To fight the Greeks!
You are not going anywhere!

I want to be a Maccabee, religious and a settler!
Are you crazy? You are not leaving the house! Did you hear me?!

Dad, calm down. I am just going to McDonald's with Sean.
ok. Get me a cheeseburger.

-------------------

Litvishe Jew:

Dad, how did we defeat the Greeks?
With Hashem's help.

So what were the Maccabees for?
They were just the soldiers. Hashem helped them with Hashem's help. and Baruch Hashem they won.

The Maccabees were soldiers?
Ehh.. soldiers of Hashem. In Hashem's army.

So the Maccabees were Chabadniks?
No. Of course not. God forbid! they were Litvishe.

Judah Maccabee had weapons?
yes.

So Judah Maccabee was secular or a non-Jew?
God forbid. Why would he be a secular or non-Jew?

only seculars and non-Jews go to the army!
there was a time when even the religious went to the army.

Why did the Maccabees go to the army and we do not?
Today the Torah protects us.

Then the Torah did not protect them?
Maybe go with Moishi and learn some Mishnayos!

Did the Maccabees learn Mishnayos?
They learned Torah. A lot of Torah.

They did not work?
God Forbid!

So Antiochus gave them money?
No. They worked and profited here and there.

They worked 'black' like Uncle Yanky?
Yanky does not work 'black'!

So what did Matisyahu Maccabee do?
He worked in agriculture.

Matisyahu was from Thailand?
God have mercy! Why from Thailand?

How did he work in the field with a white shirt?
Why do you think he wore a white shirt?

Moishi told em a real Jew only wears white shirts.
You are spending too much time with Moishi. But he is right.

What did the Maccabees want?
They wanted an independent Jewish country that they would run.

That is also what we want?
Yes, but we are not allowed to say it. We are not Zionists.

Dad, I want to be a Maccabee, Zionist, soldier!
Gevald! What happened to you??

Just joking dad. I am going to the Shwekey concert.
OK. very nice. Send regards to Moishi's family.

5 comments:

  1. If it wasnt so sad it would really be funny.
    i couldnt stop laughing anyways though.

    i linked to you....

    ReplyDelete
  2. The chashmoniam WERE awttlers NOT litvakim.. modiin had no litvakim back then ;)

    Man litvak's do hate chabadnikim ;) and plenty of chabadnik's are in the army.

    ReplyDelete
  3. satiricohen - http://israelisatirelab.blogspot.com/December 19, 2007 10:14 AM

    Thanks for pointing this out- it's truly hysterical.
    What a crazy people we are!!

    ReplyDelete
  4. always happy to provide entertainment

    ReplyDelete

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